Jay (mortenavida) wrote,

hds_beltane - From the Diary of Harry J. Potter

Title: From the Diary of Harry J. Potter
Pairing/Threesome: Snarry
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: *AU (Harry's birthday is 7/31/60), character deaths (off page), language, diary format, and occasional intentional grammatical and spelling mistakes*
Word count: ~7,700
Summary: Harry grew up with his best friend, Severus Snape, only to find that some bonds are tested more than others.
Disclaimer: Characters are the property of JK Rowling, et al. This was created for fun, not for profit.
Author's Note: Written for luna_plath in hds_beltane 2012.

There is a tale I like to tell all my First-year students that step into my History of Magic class. It is mostly to emphasize the fact that the war affected a wide range of people, caused rifts where there should not have been any, and made even the strongest relationships shatter. This diary was found in a box that had been sent to me many years ago and I was surprised to find that the remaining tattered pages contained such a story. My only regret is that some of the pages seemed to be torn out and thus lost forever. At the time that I am finally publishing the tale, the war has been over for thirty years; to those that have lived through the fear, it may as well have happened yesterday.

It begins with an unlikely friendship, one that both families did not want to happen. The boys persisted and formed one of the strongest bonds I have ever witnessed between two people. Though I only grew close to half of this amazing bond, I found myself honored to have that pleasure. They were part of the silent deaths in the war and, without the personal diary from Harry James Potter, their memories would have been buried with them.

It is my pleasure to give this small book to the world as a testament to how harsh the war was for these two people, separated by the invisible line no one wanted to break. Let it be a lesson.

From the Diary of Harry J. Potter:
A Lost Tale of Love in a Time of War
Arranged by Draco L. Malfoy

August 1, 1968
Mum got me a diary for my birthday yesterday. Dad said not to call it that, but Mum said I could call it whatever I want. I'm calling it Grifon after Godric Grifonder. I think it's a strong name because that's the house I'm going to be in once I get into Hog Warts. Why do they call it that when hogs don't really have warts? I asked dad and he laughed. Mum told me it was because the founders had a sense of humor.

Dad took me to the park to celebrate my birthday with all the local kids. They just wanted my cake, so I didn't like them. I also couldn't play with my new training broom because it was a Muggle park. I have to wait until dad gets home before I can play. Mum doesn't really fly well.

There was one boy there that didn't want my cake. He was alone on the swings and he looked really sad. I challenged him to see who could get the highest, but I let him win. That made him happier. He's my new best friend and we're going to meet up every weekend. I forgot his name because it was something weird, but that's okay. I remembered the first part!

So, Grifon, Sev is my new best friend. Hopefully he won't mind when I go to Hog Warts without him.
Harry Potter

October 9, 1968
Grifon! Sev is a wizard, too! I was flying by myself and he just walked into the back yard! I was sad because I thought I'd have to get Dad to make him forget, but then Sev told me he wished his mum bought him a training broom. I asked if he was a wizard and he said he was! He has good control, too. He made rocks float without a wand! Now I don't have to leave him behind because we're going to go to Hog Warts together. I can't wait!

Dad did catch me flying alone. He took my broom away and told me I was grounded for a month because it was dangerous. I wasn't even going that high! I don't know why he was so worried. There's lots of safety spells on the broom, too! Sometimes he worries too much.

Dinner time, Grifon!
Harry Potter

April 22, 1969
Mum said she wasn't really sure about my friendship with Sev. I'm so mad! He might be quiet and his mum a Slytherin, but that doesn't mean he's evil. Okay, so I got hurt at his house once, but that wasn't his fault. I tripped and nothing was even broken. He even came and apologized to mum and dad. He's my best friend and they say I need someone else. I'm almost nine! I'm two years away from school and I think I can figure out if I like someone.

It's just stupid that dad would judge someone like this, especially since grandpa does the same thing. And dad hates it! Grandpa tossed dad out of the house when he married mum, claiming that she stole her magic and was a liar. That's why we live by Muggles. Dad doesn't like going near other wizards and getting judged.

I brought this up and he took away my broom again. I'm so mad at him! He never listens when I say that Sev is good. He's my best friend, why wouldn't he be good? I'm still going to see him. Tomorrow, he was going to the river near his house and I'm going to go too. Dad didn't tell me to stay inside, after all. I hope he doesn't hate me because of how my parents are. I'm not them!
Harry Potter Snape (because his mum and dad are probably nicer!)

November 4, 1969
I just got back from St. Mungo's and dad isn't happy. Sev and I were in the woods playing Potion Ingredient Hunter and we were trying to find the super-rare thorn bushel so we could grow webbed feet and swim up and down the river. I tripped over a root and fell into a thorny bush that tried to eat me, I swear! I was so scared and thought I was going to die. I could hear Sev screaming and I told him to just go get my mum. I don't remember anything after that.

I woke up later in St. Mungo's. Mum was holding my hand and smiling. She told me not to worry and that I was okay. She said Sev showed up at the house with me and we were both hurt really bad. He went home a few days before me and mum said I could visit tomorrow while dad's at work. I think dad still hates him, even though the game was my idea. Mum bought Sev a book on potion ingredients, so I think she's okay with him.

My best friend saved my life. I think I'll always have him, too. Friends forever.

August 1, 1970
I'm ten! I should be allowed to invite whoever I want to my own party! I couldn't find you yesterday, Grifon, or I would have told you about this. My dad forbid Sev from attending my birthday party. How could he! Mum let me go to his even though dad was against it. It's not like Sev's dangerous. He did save my life last year!

I can't wait until next year when Sev and I go to Hogwarts. We'll be best friends and no one can stop us. Especially not dad! We're going to get tons of school awards and be the first two duel Head Boys. Just wait, he'll see he was wrong.

Just one more year and we'll be free. I can't wait for it, either. We'll run the school from day one! Nothing will stop us, not even homework! And then I'll tell dad "I told you so" when he realizes that Sev and I will always be together.
Harry + Sev forever

August 3, 1971
Hogwarts here I come! Sev and I exchanged acceptance letters to see if it's generic or if they make them personal. Boring, it's all the same. When we become Headmaster and Deputy, we'll do things different. Personalized letters for all! They'll love us more than any other Headmaster/Deputy pair ever! I'm going to make a sign to put on our train compartment so no one else comes in. It'll let everyone know that we're there and nothing will stop us know. Sev doesn't like it much, but I'm not worried. He'll appreciate it later.

Mum told me all sorts of stories about when she started. She told me the best places in the library and where to find all the interesting books. I think I'll tell Sev about them and just explore myself. Dad said he knew of interesting hidden rooms, but he won't tell me where. I think that's mean, but I bet Sev will agree. He tends to agree about stuff like that, but he'll help me find them eventually. He's too curious not to! Besides, best mates are supposed to find all that together, right?

Dad's taking me shopping tomorrow for supplies. I want Sev to come, but I know dad will never stand for it. He still doesn't like that I'm talking to him. I just want to see his face when he gets his wand, that's all. It's supposed to be an amazing thing and he just always seems so down.

It'll be better at Hogwarts, I swear it! I'll even try to remember writing more, Grifon. I promise!
Harry J. Potter

September 2, 1971
I shouldn't be that surprised that we got sorted different. I went into Gryffindor while Sev was banished to Slytherin. I asked to be put with Sev when the hat got on my head, but that was stupid since he was after me in line. I wonder why he didn't ask the hat?

My dorm mates are okay so far. Remus L-something is shy and didn’t talk much. If anything, Peter Petigrow is worse! He squeaks when he's nervous, so that's funny. Then there's Sirius Black. Everyone thought he'd go to Slytherin for sure, but he fits in OK here. He's loud and said we should toss a party. The older years seem a little scared of him actually.

Well, I'm off to write mum and dad. At least dad'll be happy Sev is in the dungeons.

September 30, 1971
Every time I try to talk to Sev, he ignores me and I don't know what's wrong. I don't think I did anything. I mean, I defended him when Sirius tried to do something in Potions! Is it the house thing? That doesn't seem right, but it could be.

I'm going to corner him and ask. I want my best friend back! We were supposed to run the school together. I can't run it alone, I need a partner.

I miss him.

October 3, 1971
He thought I would hate him! The little bugger avoided me because I was in Gryffindor and he was in Slytherin! Just for that, I made him promise study dates every week in the library. Monday, Thursday, and Saturday at the least. Thankfully he'll agree and we're okay now. I have my best friend back! He even helped me figure out this week's potion's assignment. Without him, I'd probably fail. Charms are better than Potions for me.

I might bring Remus to meet him later. I think they'd get along since they're both into studying. And they're both really smart. I guess Remus has to be because he gets sick a lot (twice so far!) and has to play catch-up. When I told Sev, he just said I could learn a lot from him. He's crazy. I get my homework done eventually!

Tomorrow, we're going to go see if the lake is calmer than our river. If it is, we're going to skip rocks. I always find the best rocks, but Sev can skip them better than anyone I know.

December 24, 1971
Well, tomorrow is Christmas. Mum and dad made me go to bed early so St. Nick could bring me presents. It's a tradition from mum's family that I don't really get. It's just dad in a red suit, that's all. There's not much of a surprise there.

I sent off Sev's owl before I went to bed. Hopefully he'll like what I got him. Yeah, he already had a potion's set, but this had loads of interesting ingredients. Mum helped me pick it out AND she said she wouldn't tell dad. She's the best! Just in case, Sev said he'd give me my gift when I get back to school. He stayed behind this year. I wanted to, but mum and dad really missed me. Now I miss Sev.

After our misunderstanding, we went back to normal. Sirius doesn't understand it, but I told him to bugger off. Sev is my best friend, after all. Remus said he enjoyed the one time they studied together, but he'd rather read alone. That kid is weird. He got sick right before the hols, so I hope he's okay.

It's almost Christmas. I'm off to sleep.

March 2, 1972
I thought I lost this! Peter found it when we were cleaning the dorm after Sirius accidentally exploded everything. I still don't know how it happened in the first place. Sirius is playing innocent, but we all know better by now. His latest thing is pranking other houses. Sev is safe so far and I hope it stays that way.

We came back in time for Sev's birthday (January ninth). Mum helped me again, but I made him a Slytherin scarf. Mum taught me the incantation for it and it turned out a little lumpy, but he liked it. He only wears it around me, but I think that's because the other Slytherins make fun of it. I told him he didn't have to wear it, but he insisted. Oh! He got me a pair of Quidditch gloves for me. Fantastic!

First year is almost done. I kind of don't want to go home.

August 1, 1972
As usual, Sev couldn't come to my party. Dad let Sirius come, even though his family is odd, but mum said not to fight it. Dad's just worried about my future or something. I'm twelve now, so that's just stupid. Sev and I are going to run Hogwarts, that's my future! Mum said it was a nice plan.

I'm going shopping with Remus tomorrow. Since mum's taking me this time, she said she doesn't mind if Sev just happens to show up and follow with us. I already Owled him and I hope he can come! It's nice that mum gets us. She did say she and dad had the same problems and she wasn't sure why he didn't see it. I told her it was because dad thinks I'm too young to know better.

I made another sign for the compartment. Sev will like this one, I'm sure!

October 13, 1972
Second year is hard. Do they really expect you to remember everything? So unfair. I miss messing around in the forest or the river with Sev there. At least this year mum's letting me stay here for Christmas. She said it was so I could have a relaxed vacation instead of worrying about packing. Sev was excited when I told him. We're going to map out the dungeons and maybe the ground floor. I don't think we'll get further, but we'll try!

Remus is acting funny. I hope he isn't getting sick again.

December 31, 1972
Last day of the year! Sev and I got the entire dungeon mapped out. I'll made a copy and stick it here, just in case.

We also saw House Elves here! I guess it makes sense. How else does stuff get cleaned or food get made? I asked dad if he knew about the fruit picture. He first got mad that I was wandering, and then he said he was proud of me for finding the kitchens. Thanks, dad.

Almost midnight!

May 2, 1973
Mum and dad were never into Beltane, so I never really understood it. Apparently Sev is and so I offered to help him celebrate this year. We didn't really participate, but we watched a few of the older years do it. It was a large bon fire that they danced around, really. Sev tried to explain why there were two, but I didn't pay that much attention. I was too busy wondering why some of the girls were toasting to their stomachs.

It was interesting. I told Sev we could do this next year, maybe even participate in it. I think he realized I wasn't listening, because this morning he gave me a book all about the festival and rituals. I'll read it eventually. I think Remus took it from me anyway.

September 3, 1974
Uh, oops? Well it's been over a year Grifon (did I seriously misspell Gryffindor?) and it's been a strange time. It's fourth year, now, and a lot has changed. Dad finally gave in about Severus and just warned me to be extra careful. Now that the ban has been lifted, he's been over at my house nearly every day. Before we went back to school, he won dad over by holding an intellectual argument about wormwood and how it affects potions.

We also found out Remus was a werewolf and that's why he gets sick so often. We aren't telling him, but we're going to become Animagus so we can join him during the full moon. Peter's scared, but he'll go through with it since I'm getting Severus' help in making the potion. Severus doesn't know why we want to do this, but only because Remus asked us not to tell anyone else. I can't break his trust right now. He was so afraid we would turn our backs on him over something he couldn't control. That didn't seem fair at all.

I got on the Quidditch team again as seeker. Apparently I'm the best they've ever seen, which was okay. Severus hates the game, but he goes to keep an eye on me. That's what brothers are for, after all.

Oh yeah! Beltane we became Blood Brothers. I found a spell in a dusty section of the library and showed it to him. Basically, it bound us as brother through our blood. It was weird at first because I could faintly feel him, but we've gotten used to it. Remus said he could smell it on us, which was really creepy, but I guess that's his nature. He didn't tell the others, which I'm thankful for. I don't think Sirius would like it. He's already taken a liking to tormenting Severus when I'm not around.

Well, this year is sure to be interesting. I brought the others in on the mapping of Hogwarts and, as a group, we're up to the third floor. We'll do the grounds once we become Animagi.
Harry J. Potter

November 14, 1974
Turning into animals is hard! There's so much research involved, it's crazy. And I have to hide it from both Sev and Remus! Well, hide the reason why it's important with Sev. Right now he thinks I'm obsessive and I think he knows I'm hiding something from him. I tell him its stupid Sirius stuff and that shuts him up. He hates Sirius something awful. I mean, I can understand since Sirius admitted to tormenting him when I'm not around, and I'm really trying to get him to stop.

I asked Severus about his friends in Slytherin, but he changed the subject. He used to tell me something at least. Now I barely hear their names! I don't think he gets along with them, either. I wish Sirius would lay off. Not everyone can deflect from family like he did. Besides, everyone thinks Sev is a Pureblood. He never told anyone the truth. He said it was for his own protection, which I think is stupid. I'll protect him, after all. What else is family for?

Maybe Christmas will get his mind off things. Mum and dad are away, so I'm staying here with Sev. I'll make sure he stays distracted. We have to map out the Astronomy Tower still. I think he'd like that.

December 27, 1974
This Christmas is interesting, I guess. We managed to map out the tower and then stayed up there for a long time. I wore the gloves and scarf Sev bought me and they were really comfortable. We were playing a potions game that just came out – Mimsy's Cauldron – where you had to fix the potion before the cauldron exploded. I lost a lot, but we had fun.

Sev kissed me. I had goo running down my back and he just leaned forward and kissed me. I felt his tongue and it was strange and my, um, well it grew. Dad said (over the summer during a really awkward conversation) that it might do that with girls. He never said anything about guys. Severus. Whatever.

I haven't seen him then. He ran off before I could say anything and avoided me during meals. There are just enough kids here to put a lot of distance between us, I guess. Nobody noticed, either.

We were supposed to run the school, not run from each other. So what, he kissed me! And I liked it. And maybe I want it to happen again, but without having to play Mimsy's Cauldron. I hope it will because that would be nice.

February 14, 1975
Happy Valentine's Day? I said that to Sev, but he had to go right after. I sent him chocolates anyway.

Something must have happened because everybody seems so tense lately, especially Sirius and Sev. Sirius tried to cover it up, but his eyes don't light up when he laughs anymore. He always gets letters from his mum, but then quickly sets them on fire. He won't tell us anything and I'm worried things are bad at home. Sev doesn't get letters, but I can tell he's uncomfortable with his House. I asked Remus his opinion and he just shrugged and said I should just be silently supportive.

I can't stand by and watch my friends suffer. I'm going to Owl dad and see if he might know what's going on. If I knew what it was, I could help!

June 4, 1975
I was so glad when school ended! I know Sirius is going through something, but there was only so much sneering I could take from him. Dad said not to worry, but I know better. You don't just suddenly get angry! Since Sev lives closer than Sirius, I went to his place yesterday to figure this bleeding mess out. I didn't really find anything out.

But he did kiss me. Several times. And at one point, our tongues touched.

I think I like him. I mean, I like him in the way I'm supposed to like girls. He's not some flowery thing with a chest, but he's Severus. There's something about Severus I like. When we kissed, I held his head and his arms gripped my waist so tight I thought I'd have bruises. After the first time, he asked if it was okay and I don’t know how it happened, but I guess I said yes. The next thing I remember is being on the floor, Sev pinning me down as we kissed.

I didn't tell mum what happened. How could I? Boys don't kiss other boys. Besides, I want to still see him and kiss him again.
H.P. <3 S.S.

September 25, 1975
Attention everyone! The Sirius Black issues are (hopefully) over! He came back worse than he left, but Remus was not in the mood. So we pulled Sirius into a hidden passage we found and forced him to tell us what was going on. It's the only time I've ever seen him cry. Apparently, there's this evil wizard gathering followers and the Black family joined right away. He didn't want to, so his mum's been sending him harsh letters during school. Over the summer, he locked himself in his room just to escape.

Then he asked to move in with me. I wasn't sure what to tell him, especially since I couldn't see Sev so much if Sirius was around. Peter offered his place, but nobody's house is officially confirmed yet. I know he'd rather go with Remus, but we all know he can't until we complete that stupid spell. We're getting close! A few more weeks and I think we've got it. Sev managed to finish the potion and it holds for a decent amount of time. Now it's just remembering everything else.

Time for a midnight meeting with Sev. Dad finally let me have his invisibility cloak. This year will be fun!

October 20, 1975
Sirius Black is in SO MUCH TROUBLE! Not only did he use Remus, but he almost got Sev killed! We were supposed to finish and test our Animagus forms with Remus tonight, but Sirius got Sev to come (somehow). When I got there, Sev was already in the tunnel to the Willow! I got him to come out, but then Remus charged out and if it wasn't for Sev's quick wand work, we'd be wolf chow.

I yelled at Sirius right there and didn't see when Sev ran off, but I know he's scared. I was, too! And Remus! He's going to feel so bad when he finds out about this. It isn't even his fault.

Sirius Black is never living with me! Ever!

I'm going to talk to Sev tomorrow and apologize. There's no reason why Sirius would do this, so I'm yelling talking to him, too. Yelling is bad, he won't listen.

I really hate Sirius right now.

October 21, 1975
Severus called me a "Son of a Mudblood" today.

June 13, 1976
So I'm taking a break from family and friends and stuff. Sirius did end up coming home with me. Mum and dad welcomed him with open arms and it's like having a brother. Kind of. We're sharing a room until dad can expand a bit. After Severus Snape ripped my heart out, I needed a distraction from everything. Sirius is a good distraction, even if he'll never understand why I'm so upset about losing Severus Snape.

Dad found out we were trying to become Animagi and I thought we were dead, but instead he helped. Since Sirius was already here, we just invited Peter over for a week to finish it up. Remus is sure in for a surprise next time he goes out! Sirius is a Grim-looking dog, Peter is a rat, and I am a badger!

It's odd to think of me as a badger, but I guess it works out. None of us are bigger than Remus, so he won't feel threatened. I suppose that's good? I looked up what being a badger meant and I don't completely agree with it, but I guess it works. I disagree on the nocturnal animal bit, but guarding a home? I suppose that can be me.

Mum sat both Sirius and I down yesterday to talk about careers. Sirius wants to be an Auror, but I don't know what I want. I had fun making the maps of Hogwarts, but that isn't really a career. She suggested something Muggle, but even that I'm unsure of. Dad gave me a job posting for a mapping assistant in Wand Publishing – they need someone to help with various books. It seems okay, so maybe I'll just do publishing in general. Especially if Severus Snape and I aren't going to run Hogwarts.

I need to stop thinking about him! He's a bastard! Damn it all, I still love him, too.

Yes, love. I love Severus Snape.

I also hate him for what he's putting me through. I did nothing to deserve this. Just because Sirius was a complete ass doesn't make me the bad guy, right?

Dad's gone and joined up with Professor Dumbledore in something call the Order. I'm not really sure what it is, but apparently it's to stop this madman that's going around. Apparently he's talking about Purebloods and how there shouldn't be any Muggleborns or Half-Bloods. Nobody knows what exactly he's going to do to get them not exist, but I don't think it's good. Mum constantly looks worried now and I'm a little afraid of everything. I hope everybody comes out of this okay.

I miss him.

November 19, 1976
I found this diary lying around my dorm, but I think I'm going to just put it in storage. There's too much to do right now to worry about a diary. Mum and dad don't agree, but I'm joining the Order and helping my family and peers. War is coming and, despite the fact that I don't want to fight, I can't just sit around and do nothing.

I guess I just think this diary thing needed a closure. I was such an idiot child…

September 3, 1981
I was handed this old diary, forcefully sat in a fluffy armchair, and told to write again. So here I am, writing, because my boyfriend told me to. Yes, my boyfriend. I still can't believe it, but that's life. It's just good to come home to a strong pair of arms, especially after a war.

Oh yeah, the war is over! It didn't look good for a while, but then the Dark Lord Moldyshorts heard of this prophecy. Something about someone born at the end of July whose parents defied him three times. Dumbledore researched everyone and we all went into hiding – yes, me included. My parents pissed him off a few times and my birthday is July 31st. Anyway, Moldywarts was supposed to mark his equal somehow, so we were all pretty scared.

Dumbledore brought Severus back to me. Sev knew I could be on that list and begged Dumbledore for sanctuary. The old man somehow got Sev to be a spy, but that didn't matter. I had him back and this time, I wasn't letting go. It took me weeks to get back under his skin, too. He closed up a lot since the Remus Incident. Even though the war was going on still, we started seeing each other. I kissed him during Beltane this year and, from then, it was wonderful.

The war ended three days ago. It was a harsh ending, but my Sev is finally free. Voldy took a trip to the Longbottom house and tried to kill Neville, the only child of Alice and Frank. He fit the prophecy and someone leaked their location, so he attacked. Nobody knows the full details, but Alice and Frank did die. Little Neville is living with his grandmother now, a scar splashed across his forehead. I feel proud, but I also feel bad for the bugger, too. He's going to be idolized for the rest of his life over something he had no control over.

Sev and I are moving in together. Dad doesn't approve at all, but mum's okay with it. As long as we adopt one kid, she said she'll be happy. I'm going to wait before mentioning that. Sev isn't the 'kid' type. He tends to scowl at them before running in the opposite direction. Actually, it's kind of adorable to watch. I'm perfectly happy with just the two of us, maybe an animal winding its way around the house as well. Severus and I don't need children in our lives.

I'm going to stop writing now. My tall, dark, and handsome boyfriend is reading and I love to distract him from that. It's my favorite pastime.

May 4, 1982
This has been such a busy week. Severus put together a few surprises for me (and grumbled when I tried to thank him) for Beltane. All of it was leading up to a question he was nervous about asking me. He shouldn't have been nervous, but it was endearing. We're telling my parents tonight, and his parents tomorrow night. I don't know which one I'm more nervous about. Thankfully Sirius and Remus are with us. Severus asked them first, which I'm proud of all of them for handling it well. He would have asked Peter, but nobody has seen him since the war ended. I still don't want to put him on the deceased list. Sirius thinks I'm crazy, but I can't help it. Something tells me he's alive.

I tend to run on about random things, apparently. Severus asked me to bond with him! Well, further than we're bonded now. Oh, I don't care what the wizarding world thinks. Severus Snape asked me to marry him! If I were a flamboyant gay, I would be jumping around and tossing glitter like a loon. Thankfully, I'm not like that (and neither is Severus).

The image of either of us doing that makes me ill. Ugh.

Remus has already started our ceremony planning. I hope he'll let my mum help once she knows. And I hope dad is okay with this. I love Severus enough to accept the loss of my parents, but I'd rather not have to.

May 16, 1982
We'll just never be able to speak to Severus' mum and dad. Oddly, we're both okay with this. Mum will bring my dad around, but at least he didn't openly object to me.

Harry James Potter-Snape. Does that sound okay?

Harry James Snape-Potter. I'm not sure which Severus would want more.

Harry James Snape or Severus Tobias Potter. The second one sounds better.

Harry and Severus Snape. Severus and Harry Potter.

Why the hell is this so difficult?
H.P. H.S. H.P.S. Harry

September 2, 1983
I don't understand! Severus hates children, but now he's a Professor at Hogwarts? That makes no sense at all.

Okay, so we originally planned on running the school someday, but those days are gone. He's months away from his Potion's Mastery and he wants to teach? We could have our own shop instead. Spouses aren't allowed to stay at Hogwarts during the year. How are we going to get through this?

I already miss him. I Floo him every day. Sometimes he's there, sometimes he isn't.

He told me, before he left, that he owed Dumbledore a life debt, which I can understand. The man brought Severus back from the Death Eaters, but I thought Sev being a spy was the debt repayment.

Okay, I know my own job at the publishing house has me travelling a lot, but we've been fine these past six months! He got so many ingredients for his potions while I got the layout of the land. It had been a perfect match.

Maybe he's tired of me. No, that's stupid. He might not be the romantic type, but he loves me. I can see it every time he looks at me. There's just got to be something he isn't telling me. I'll drop it for now, but I'll still hope he tells me. Especially since, over winter break, we're moving into a new home. I have to pack everything before he gets back. Maybe Dumbledore will let him come home some weekends.


June 25, 1995
The bastard is back. No, not the bad side of my bonded, but the Dark Lord.


December 9, 1995
Yeah, so the other bastard, the one in my bonded, is back, too. He's sneaking around, spying and thus treating me like the shit of a flobberworm. I should have listened to my father.

Remus is trying to understand, but I think he's playing a Muggle game of tennis. He keeps going back and forth between us, trying to figure out what's wrong I guess. Sirius is on my side, I guess? Whenever Remus isn't around, all he does is complain about what a bastard Severus is. Its okay, I guess. At least Sirius keeps me calm and helps me not freak out over the little things.

This is just all so confusing.

June 5, 1996
Neville Longbottom is a stupid, stupid boy! He led a group of his friends to the Department of Mysteries, chasing after his "kidnapped grandmother." His grandma was at home, knitting! Neville was then ambushed by several Death Eaters (not Sev, thank Merlin) and if we hadn't shown up, they would have been killed.

Speaking of, I am going to kill Peter Pettigrew. Because of him, Sirius is dead. That rat showed up in black robes. Sirius went after him and ended up falling through the Veil. Because of Peter, my best friend is DEAD. My wand will not rest until he is at my feet, his heart stopped.

Severus told me that everything will be okay. I told him to bugger off and I hadn't seen him since. Good. He's probably with his black-robed friends. I lost him and Sirius all in one day.

Hell, I don't know what to do anymore. Remus is going to stay in Sirius' place with the rest of the Order, so I think that's where I'll go. They'll need my help, especially if Severus ends up being a double-crosser like everyone thinks he is. I know him better than anyone, so if we have to duel…

I don't want to think about it, but this is war. If it's my life or his, then I'm going to live. I will always love him, but like hell am I going to let him beat me in a duel.

If Sirius were still alive, he'd tell me, "I told you so." I actually want to hear it, too. At least then he'll be alive. Maybe I'll visit my father later.

Why do I feel like this is all my fault?

September 1, 1996
I just got word that Severus took the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. Is he mad? The only person to come out still sane (or alive) at the end was Remus! I don't think he knows what he's doing and I'm scared. I talked to Dumbledore and he just told me to do my job and not to worry. I finally understand why Sev is doing all this, and now he takes a cursed position? I'm going to lose him again.

He got a letter from Narcissa Malfoy during the summer, but he refused to tell me why. He came back silent and didn't tell me anything, so I know it isn't good. I'm a spouse before an Order Member – he can talk to me! I'm always here for him! I told him that and he just shook his head before distracting me in the bedroom. He's very good at that.

This war is driving me crazy. I just want it to be over. Hell, I thought it was over a decade ago. I know Neville is supposed to fight the last battle, but it can't come soon enough. I want a sane husband again, not this shell of one.

I miss when life was simple.

February 21, 1997
I don't like what's going on. Neville thinks something's going on with Draco Malfoy, Remus is out hunting down some kind of information, Dumbledore's arm is about to fall off – I think this war is worse than the last one. And not just because I've already been through this once.

I might actually have to fight Severus. He hasn't been around Headquarters in a long time.

I can't do this anymore. All this fighting and worrying about whether or not your friends will be alive tomorrow. Not to mention needing to actually kill one because they betrayed you. Maybe two.

Can't do this.

June 10, 1997
For the first time since Neville defeated the Dark Lord as a baby, I had to spend Beltane alone. It's been a depressing few weeks, but Remus is here to keep me company at least. He's still struggling to get over Sirius, but luckily he found someone. She's a morpher, so I doubt he's with her for her original body. They seem okay with whatever they're doing, so who am I to judge? At least his first lover didn't kill the leader of the Order and then run away into the night.

Yes, Severus Snape killed Albus Dumbledore and fled.

Neville barely managed to tell me the story before he took his friends to go hunt down Horcruxes. He and Dumbledore came back from trying to get one when they were confronted by Draco Malfoy. Draco claimed he had to kill Dumbledore and, just when Draco lowered his wand, Severus came forward and killed the old man.

He is not the man I bonded with. I don't know where that man is anymore, or who took his place.

The war is truly on now. We're all gathering forces and soon we'll be off trying to kill others. I don't want this.

Before he left, I lent Neville my Invisibility Cloak, hoping he'd get more use from it. He's the one that needs to stay out of sight. I'll get it back after the war, and I at least got that as a promise from the Boy-Who-Lived himself.

I moved back in with mum and dad and, despite the fact that my father constantly tells me I should dissolve my bond, it's going pretty well. At least we're all safe for now. I know dad will join back with the Order, but I'm not sure about mum. She and dad get into shouting matches when they think I can't hear through their charms. Sometimes it's about Severus, sometimes it's about me, and most of the time it's about the war.

Bill Weasley, one of the Order members, is getting married to a French girl named Fleur. I think I'll pass on it; I'm not sure I can handle something to happy at the moment. Good on them and all, but no thank you. Perhaps I'll send mum with a nice present for them. I heard Bill was looking to buy a cottage by the sea somewhere.

I can't stand all this happiness.

December 30, 1997
If another person comes up to me and starts off the conversation with "if your bonded hadn't…" then I might just curse them. If my bonded hadn't killed Dumbledore. If my bonded hadn't run away to the Death Eaters. If my bonded hadn't maimed George Weasley. If my bonded hadn't given away the prophecy. If my bonded hadn't "sullied" me.

Yeah, well, if my bonded hadn't given us so much information on the Dark Lord, then… Hell, I don't know. They're all right.

It's been a damn lonely Christmas and things are just getting to me. Remus is off with his now pregnant girl, the Order is in and out, and I've been mostly left to myself. Mum and dad took me to live with Remus in Grimmauld Place, not that it matters. Nobody's been here for longer than ten minutes at a time. I've asked for something to do, but I think mum and dad are keeping me away from it. Something about not focusing when I need to.

Okay, I lied. There have been a few Weasleys around for about a week during break. The youngest one, Ginny, liked to sit around in the drawing room whining about Neville and how he was away. She'll grow into the fact that most men are cruel and heartless. I'm not saying Neville is a particularly heartless person, but maybe he isn't into her. Maybe he'll leave when he finds the person he really loves. Or maybe he really is an ass who will drop her the instant he finds something else to focus his hero skills on.

What the hell am I saying? He's not like Severus.

Speaking of Severus. The bastard is the new Headmaster at Hogwarts. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but once the Dark Lord took over the school, he appointed Severus as Head. I think it was ironic considering our original plan to take over the school ourselves. The only thing he needs is me as Deputy, and that's the only thing he isn't going to get.

When will this all be over?

April 30, 1998
This is my last entry. Neville will duel the Dark Lord tomorrow, I'm sure of it. The battle will rage all day. I will have to face Severus. I don't think either one of us will survive.

It's fitting, though. Beltane has always been an important date for us. It makes sense we would kill another on that particular day. We're all prepared to face the day. We're all prepared to die.

I hope I have the strength to do this.

I love you, Severus Snape, until the day we die.
Harry James Potter-Snape

- * - * - * -

Harry Potter-Snape did meet his bonded on the battlefield. The two were seen pointing their wands at each other and hesitating. An unknown Death Eater cursed Harry, instantly maiming the man. Nobody knows why Severus left him there, but he did. Severus was last seen in what is known as the Shrieking Shack, dying from a snake bite. Both his and Harry's body disappeared from the where they lay before anyone could retrieve him.

Neville Longbottom survived to tell the world what Severus had done for them. Albus Dumbledore had been dying when he ordered Severus to kill him. It was not what either man wanted, but it had to be done in order to save me. I am forever in their debt, as I can do little to pay either man back. Neville also revealed the depth of Severus' devotion to his bonded, his first and only childhood friend. I wish Harry could have known that, but part of me believes that he already did.

Severus Snape has been awarded many awards since his death, including an Order of Merlin. His bonded died never knowing that everything Severus did in the war, he did for a better future. While we were on the run, before we were found by my father, he told me, "Sometimes a man does what needs to be done, even if he doesn't like the act."

During those long weeks, Severus regretted everything he was unable to do or tell his bonded. He taught me not to make the same mistake, and I pass this lesson onto you, my reader. War has always been an ugly matter. Families are torn apart, and young people always find themselves having to choose.

-Draco Lucius Malfoy
Tags: draco, harry, hds_beltane, severus, severus/harry

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